Addict | bentheklutz

I'm a bit tired of being an addict if I am honest. I've been addicted to sex and pornography since I was probably 11 or 12. I managed to curb my drinking in my mid 20s after having drank far too much in my early 20s trying to cope with the end of my long term relationship. I wasn't clean though. Instead I began smoking weed. All of the cognitive disassociation without the unpleasant hangover or vomiting or anything like that.

I've quit weed a couple of times for a period on the order of months. This year I relapsed when my irresponsibility led to the passing of one of my dogs. I quit again during the summer only to start again as it was ending; after I finish writing this blog post I will likely go smoke 2-3 bowls from my bong. Right now I would say I intend to do so because I know it will help with the stomach pain I am currently experiencing. I also know that said stomach pain is likely caused partially by overconsumption of weed and partially by having drank an energy drink at about 4am after waking up at 2am and not eating anything first.

I know that I can stop because I have done so. I know what the consequences of stopping after heavy use are and how long they last for me. I'm not even certain what value I derive from smoking at this point. I don't know what value I derive from pornography either. Just gratification I guess. Obviously one cannot make self-gratification their sole goal. All wisdom seems to indicate that making such a thing your goal is a dark path to travel. Still I'm left to wonder if surely a human should feel some kind of gratification. Am I simply doomed to walk through life as a non-feeling ghost unless I take substances? Why is it so hard to feel? Why is all the shame I hold not enough to make me change? How am I supposed to determine how exactly I want to change even?

It appears as though I am experiencing some anxiety. I just want to feel like there is some "right" thing for me to be moving towards, but I think we're probably all just marching to our meaningless deaths anyway. You'd think I could take that resignation and transmute it into a degree of carefree self-direction.

Maybe I am just weak.